A collection of stuff, things, nonsense, rants, raves, pretties, sillies, and gee-gaws from Rev. Hugo Nebula, Ordained Minister of the Church of the SubGenius.
(And boobs. Sometimes there are boobs. Just like in real life.)
Thank you for reading.
“Vader realizes the opportunity at hand for an end to the Rebellion. Yet his bumbling fleet admiral leaves hyperspace too close to Hoth, losing the element of surprise and allowing the Rebels to activate the shield. Vader rolls with it (after killing Admiral Ozzel): He orders a ground assault on the Rebel base with the sound objective of destroying the generator that powers the shield. Once the shield is down, the Star Destroyers that make up the majority of the Imperial Fleet can launch the bombardment the shields prevent. Vader further orders that no Rebel ship be allowed to leave Hoth alive.
“Sounds simple, right? Alas, Vader’s plans are at odds with each other. Vader jumps into the Hoth system with a handful of Star Destroyers; only six are shown on screen. That’s got to enforce a blockade of an entire planet. His major ally is the Rebel energy shield itself, which bottles up a Rebel escape to the Ion Cannon’s line of sight. But Vader doesn’t seem to realize the shield’s ironic value. Once Vader orders the shields destroyed, he lacks the force to prevent a pell-mell Rebel retreat.”
“A couple of days ago, I was walking past the Early Learning Centre (A shop for very young children in the UK) and it struck me that it was incredibly strange for them to be selling, and advertising, Anakin Skywalker toys. Now, I didn’t really mind. I merely thought it amusing that the murderer of “Younglings” would be thought of as a positive character in other section of the franchise, so, on a whim, I sent them an email.
“Very few films have ever shown a net profit on the books.
“How do they do this? Well first, imagine that George Lucas decided to go to New York tomorrow to talk about showing Return of the Jedi in 3D. And he stayed at the Ritz Carlton, ordered sushi at 3 a.m. from room service and used the hotel phone to call Bahrain to make prank calls.
“Well, 26 years after the release of the film, the accountants at Lucasfilm are going to charge $86,000 to the costs of Return of the Jedi. I am NOT joking. This is what they do.”
…in a climactic scene from “Return of the Jedi,” when Darth Vader hurls the evil Emperor to his demise on the Death Star, he would now shout “No!” (In all previous versions of “Jedi,” Vader has committed this crucial deed in silence.)
On Wednesday, a press representative for Lucasfilm confirmed that this change will be included in the Blu-ray release, writing in an e-mail: “Yes — Darth says NO.”
For fuck’s sake; his name isn’t Darth. It’s Vader. Darth is a title, like Darth Maul, Darth Sidious, etc. It’s like referring to someone informally as ‘Mister’. No wonder fans can’t get a reasonably unfucked DVD of Star Wars if the fucking Muppets at Lucasfilm don’t know what the fuck they’re talking about.
“Earlier this week. James Earl Jones was coerced into reading Justin Bieber lyrics on national television. His bemused performance was strange enough, but then an intrepid YouTube remixer spliced his spoken word onto The Empire Strikes Back…”